Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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