have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
