You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize