these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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