My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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