That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
