You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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