woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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