he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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