why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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