i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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