Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Randomize
