The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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