yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
