this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
