Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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