I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
