Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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