Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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