Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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