Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Randomize
