I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
