Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
