I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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