Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
