Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
