I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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