the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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