Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
