Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
