she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
