is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
