i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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