I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
