can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
