hotel room ftw
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
