My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
