my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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