Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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