Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
