I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
