When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
