so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
