It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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