Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
