There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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