I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
