Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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