saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
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