I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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