theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
