All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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