you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
