It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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