Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
