Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
