Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
