im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my being single is dangerous.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
