she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize