Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
