R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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