I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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